Crazy grateful

I'm only human 

One of the days when I couldn't be happier yet something just blows my happy tower down, everything crumbles, suffocating me inside.

What do I do when my friends are going overseas & I'm not allowed to go. My mum tried to bring me away (perhaps as compensation) but I refuse to as I already made plans. This is not funny at all, I don't even have a choice in anything, I wanna throw a big fat tantrum. BUT they'll say that its him who led me to behave so rebelliously. SO FINE I'll go, I'll listen to whatever you say, do whatever you ask me to do. Does that make me a good kid now? Do I get acceptance now? I doubt so. You'll just continue to pick on little things I do, it's gonna be a viscous cycle I'm sure. 

Just everyone just fuck off 

They say your family are the ones who will never abandon you when everyone else does

But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel so abandoned. Not the smartest, most outstanding in the family, the trouble maker & the most disobedient. Even when ranting about how tiring work is, all I get is criticism about my laziness and how spoilt I am. Even when I make the effort to wake up at 5.30 I get critiqued about my punctuality. Even when I watch tv after I get home feeling dead beat they nag at me for not helping out with household chores & lazing around. 

Yeah I know everyone is busy, but so am I ok? So everyone can be stressed out but not me? So everyone's work is challenging except mine? You really think I get paid for doing nothing huh. If only you knew how I'm doing at work, the dread, the silent sounds of keyboard tappings and how afraid I am to disappoint the others and how afraid I am to make mistakes. How everytime the phone rings I hope it's not for me. How I'm so afraid to be myself because I'll definitely be too childish for the adults. How I can only be envious of other friends who can actually go for lunch, simply lunch, with their colleagues for i have no one to go with. 

One day, maybe one day, you should try being in my shoes

So one day Aaron asked me "eh why after you go jc you so emo"

Then I realised he was actually right. And I can't even make out why so many things changed and I'm like not myself anymore & it's just sad, it makes me sad. 

No idea why I'm so hesitant to be myself at work. Probably afraid of getting judged by all the grown ups. Result: got to stick to the boring Jia that no one likes/ will remember/ will miss. 

Started off on the wrong foot 

the clock is ticking & it all feels so overwhelming
like every decision is important & hundred of pairs of eyes are watching us,
expecting bad news/ putting pressure on me/us.

someone please tell me what to do/ give me a guide book to follow instructions step wise so i dont have to fight complicated feelings everyday