my whole life crashing down on me
negative thoughts so overwhelming i cant stop the tears brimming over my stupid eyes.
ok i need to step up my game. and stop bloody crying like a wimp/loser.
fuck, you are stupid this time so just suck it.
MUST DO SO MUCH BETTER IN As. ITS A MUST YOU DONT EVEN HAVE A CHOICE.
ok this is a pact i vow to keep.
i swear i will wipe that smug off your face & make my parents' / teachers' jaw drop.
this is not a joke hahahahahaha

to everyone out there (the inner me included), have faith and believe in yourself, & keep your thoughts positive. because

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”

-Mahatma Gandhi 

It's ok

It's ok that you spent your whole holiday focusing on it and still didn't get your desired results

It's ok that she's flaunting her big fat grades in your face

It's ok that people question "what happened to you?" In that sympathetic tone

It's ok that people around tell you it's ok when apparently it's not

It's ok that you are obliged to put up a strong front in front of everyone

It's ok that you fight back tears in the crowd 

It's ok that you are afraid of disappointing others who have pinned their hopes on you 

It's ok to not be ok

But

I just wanna be ok today 

cmi

I think im someone who is very uneasily satisfied and with major anger management issues.

like the moment the examiner says stop writing and you have tons left to write and you carry that burden out of the exam hall knowing the you know the answer but you havent gotten the chance to pen them down. 

THAT FUCKING BURDEN. EVERY SINGLE TIME. FUCKING TIMES UP & PUT YOUR PENS DOWN. 

you just wanna cuss the whole bloody world, yourself, the school, your teachers your peers. (i sound like a screwed up kid) the whole day you just cant get over yourself. stupid feeling called 'crying over spilt milk' ya thats exactly it.

such a bloody shit head. this was the first time i couldnt work under pressure it was petrifying. my brain was filled with a thousand other alternatives and answers i just kept over thinking & worrying. bloody cannot use correction tape my whole paper was so messy. and then canceling my working, and realised it was possibly right, and rewriting, then canceling all of it cause i realised its wrong. wtf its a viscous cycle. and the worst of all is not following your gut. initially writing this answer a, then fear and doubt and suspicion takes over you and you change it to a b. & you step out of the exam hall, all your friends wrote a. that fucking feeling. wanting to stab yourself in the chest one gazillion times. wanting to try to slash your wrist to numb the pain (i will never do it dont worry guys im a coward) 

just wanting the pain to stop. fucking pain of post-exam stress. yes we need a second chance people. but we'll never get it, whats done is done. yes i know i can do better, but what can i do now? Disappointment was formed. Its just so fucking unexplainable this feeling. 

i wonder whos still reading this space hahahaha
so yesterday was me & swa's (idk how many years) anniversary. anniversary ok!!! not monthsary! & normally im one who embraces celebrations, especially my own & making a big hu-ha out of everything. but no, not this time. because................ drumroll............... prelims is in 4 freaking days. Yes and we are not blinded by love to forgo our studies. So study we did!
had a great chat with the boy after dinner but its so irritating we cant keep the conversation flowing because of time restrictions like 'eh need go home complete math already'. its like studying is occupying so much of our lives we cant even afford to have a proper conversation. stupid.
& coming home to immature squabbles among the family is really loathesome. i hate screaming voices (or anybody who raises their voice) i cannot stand my family being so indifferent that im trying to study here. & when they see my taking my break, nag at me for not studying. its really stupid really.
studying is really changing me. my perspectives, my thoughts, my emotions, the way i treat people.

and someone that i really cared about asked me to do something which is inappropriate, and i rejected his request. its really all for his/her good...... but the stare i got is just haunting and replaying in my mind. what has the world become? the older generations wanting to be young (look young & feel young) and the younger generation wanting to be old (look old & act old) hello??? please do things that is appropriate for your age. But second thought, who was the once who decided that yes, 18 shall be the legal age. & 21 symbolises freedom. I wonder who decides these stuffs. Shouldnt it be a choice? like 'ok i feel that im mature enough to fend for myself' but then again there will be alot of social problems and people trying to be funny, crossing boundaries.

what a cynical, bizarre world.

September is here already, the clock is ticking like crazy....... months then weeks then days then hours then (ya you get the message) to the much dreaded/excited Alevels

anyway im starting my prelims already & so far, no good HAHAHAHAH. i dont know what i was expecting but im still hoping for good grades although i have a bad feeling in my gut. ok gp and econs shall temporarily be thrown at the back of my my mind, now to embrace my love for human geog!!!! yay me!!!! note the sarcasm.

anyway let the tears start rolling

i want to cry. why is life so unfair. how do people move on. why do bad things happen to good people. why is life so fragile. why can pictures speak so much. why can an illness take away a life in a moment.